Week one’s donezo. Meaning? We know exactly how the rest of the season is going to pan out.
Your team put up over 100 and steamrolled your sorry ass opponent? Call Vegas Dan, fly to the Strip right now, order three bottles at XS, and put those championship earnings to use, Bro Namath.
Your team put up less than 80 and Kalima’ed your sorry ass? Don’t even bother setting your lineup next week. You are finito, El Capitan.
Everybody’s up in arms right now. Through countless hours of bings, weer, and sensory overload, we witnessed the dawning of a new era in fantasy football. I feel like a two-year-old who just sat through a mind-blowing episode of Little Einsteins. No, mom, I don’t care if there are 15 other DVDs in this box set. They take a rocket ship to Barcelona and learn about Cubism in this one. Seriously, A ROCKET SHIP IN BARCELONA! You can’t top that, Ma!
Whoa, MoMArtShell, take a Xanax. Calm down over there.
Calm down? I’M FREAKIN’ OUT, MAN! And for good reason. Reasons, I should say. There are several good reasons (ree-sons, plural) fantasy owners should FREAK OUT like the Mothers of Invention right now. In
a very calculated order based on the players I own no particular order, they are…
- RGIII!!!! Does #SWAG count for fantasy points? [Checks ear piece] I’m being told it doesn’t. Well, it should.
My brain legitimately burst into little medulla fragments after processing that 88-yard bomb (cough cough, 15-yard slant) to Pierre (Check, Please) Garçon. I seriously couldn’t process how baller he made that throw look. Ass on the ground, hands in the air, not givin’ a momofuku. Let it be known, amateurs. The Third Coming of Sir Robert Griffin is upon us.
It doesn’t matter who your starter is. Trade your wife, your house, your dog, your three kids, and Eli Manning’s Toyota to get this kid right now.
- Torn ACLs are the New Untorn ACLs: Adrian Peterson and Jamaal Charles looked fresh to death on Sunday. Hell, Peterson showed enough burst to make Ron Jaworski say "Play on, playa." The lesson here, of course: if you want to take time off your forty, have your smaller relative dress up as Yoshi and drive a Kart directly into your kneecap. 50% of the time, it works every time.
The value of these two Six Million Dollar Men has never been higher. So, if you own either, hold onto him until he breaks down, then proceed to hate yourself for the next nine months of your life.
- WTF, Chris Johnson? Not even trying to be cute here. This isn’t written in sarcasm font. If you own CJ.004K, trade him for 20 cents on the dollar.
- Mike Shanahan Has Never Told A Lie: As we’ve learned since his late Denver days, Bronze Tannahan loves the concept of a “workhorse back.” Just ask Travis Henry, Selvin Young, Peyton Hillis, Michael Pittman, Clinton Portis (over the hill edition), Ryan Torain, Keiland Williams, Tim Hightower, Roy Helu, Ryan Torain (again), and Evan Royster.
Fear not, Alfred Morris owners. Your guy is a lock for 20+ touches a week.
- Quarterback? More Like Quarterwack!: Matthew Stafford, Cam Newton, and Eli Manning were all likely taken within the first five rounds of your draft. Each of them put up 12 measly points last week. 12! In this day and age, where defensive backs aren’t allowed to breathe ten feet within a receiver, that is a travishamockery.
Don’t hesitate, if you own one, drop him immediately for Mark Sanchez. QUICK! HURRY! GO BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE IN YOUR LEAGUE CLAIMS HIM!
- Cecil Shorts: Cecil Shorts is a Jacksonville receiver who went for 74 yards and a toe last week in Minny. Gabbert threw to him seven times and clearly has a soft spot for him. Can you blame Blaine? The guy’s name is “Cecil Shorts” for crying out loud. Do yourself a favor: pick him up, rename your team “Salute Your Cecil Shorts,” and change your logo to this image of Donkeylips.
That one’s on the house. Goodnight, everybody!
Earlier this week, I was inspired by a post from Grantland’s Triangle Blog. Essentially, Team Simmons is hosting an open competition to play in their fantasy football league. The assignment?
Even if I’m not selected, I see this as an excuse to relaunch my fantasy football blog, The Museum of Modern Art Shell. I’m extremely excited to re-open its doors and will try to keep the momentum going into the season. I feel like a snot-nosed kid in a sandbox, just havin’ fun out there.
Here’s my crack at the assignment. To steal a phrase from The Sports Guy himself, some of the responses are actual tweets from actual football players.
MoMArtShell: Good evening, we’re here with this season’s consensus top three picks: Arian Foster, Ray Rice, and LeSean McCoy. Fellas, how are ya?
LM: Time to b great
MoMArtShell: We’re short on time, so let’s get right to it. Guys, each of you are studs. You’re locks at the top three spots.
Aaron Rodgers: Hey, what about me?
Tom Brady: Yeah, I light up fantasy scoreboards season after season. I can’t even get a look?
MoMArtShell: Dudes, you’re quarterbacks. Owners can grab more than capable versions of you in the late rounds (see: Stafford, Matthew in 2011) and even off waivers (see: Newton, Cam in 2011). Fantasy workhorses are like hoverboards. Wait, I’m being told real hoverboards don’t exist or work on water (**unless you’ve got POWER**). Sh*t, bad example.
Anyway, running backs, and ONLY running backs, we brought you here to help fantasy owners make decisions. Let’s yog through some questions to gauge your value relative to each other. Sound good?
MoMArtShell: Let’s talk offense. You’re each part of three completely different systems. Tell us about your expectations for this season.
LM: I’m jacked up, man. First, my GM extended D-Jax’s contract to shut him up. Then, he gave me $45 million over 5 years. Even without Jason Peters, USA Today ranked our O-Line 7th overall. We’re going to score crap tons of touchdowns. Mike [Vick] called our team a “dynasty,” and we haven’t even won anything yet!
RR: Forget offense, I’m worried about defense. Our best player tore his Achilles playing basketball, which means we’re going to play catchup more often … which means Joe’s going to fling it more and I’m going to be involved less. Now, I hear this report from Jay Glazer about Cam handing the keys of the offense to Flacco? This offseason has SUCKED for me. Well, except for that whole $40-million contract thing.
MoMArtShell: Are any of you worried that your backups are going to eat into your workload?
RR: Can you even name my handcuff off the top of your head? Go ahead, try. His name is Ray Rice. My backup’s backup? His name is also Ray Rice.
LM: Coach has hinted that he’s going to cut down my reps, but Dion Lewis? Chris Polk? Bryce Brown? You know I’m getting all the work, including goal-line carries.
AF: I fear that young Ben Tate shall replace me one day. The Houston future looms like a K.C. past. Visions of a young Johnson replacing an elder Priest plague the mind. My touches will decline as the sun sets over the ocean.
MoMArtShell: Alright fellas, we’re running real short on time. Any last minute thoughts you’d like to rattle off to entice the owners out there?
MoMArtShell: Good to know, LeSean. Clown status could’ve really hurt your draft stock. Anything else?
MoMArtShell: Thanks guys! It’s ultimately up to our audience to make their own damn decisions, but for what it’s worth, here are my top five players heading into 2012.
LM: Appreciate the love, bruh. Hey, what’s your sleeper pick this season?
MoMArtShell: How convenient of you to ask, LeSean! Keep this between us, but I really, really, really like Titans TE Jared Cook. Jake Locker’s probably going to get the starting nod, and with Kenny Britt suspenjured, I see Jake the Snake leaning on his 6’5, 250-pound, 4.4 40-sprinting security blanket quite a bit this season. I’m going to snag this guy in Round 12 in every one of my drafts.